Give us back New York

Soup and magnets

At this very moment I'm still in Slovenia. The weather sucks... but after 5 weeks of great weather maybe I shouldn't complain. O, what the fuck, no reason not to complain: The weather is just shitty. And to make it all some juicier, my bowels started to be kind of recalcitrant. And at the moment I'm writing this I'm eating the most disgusting soup I've ever had in my life... it's supposed to make me better. So let's hope it works, otherwise I've eating this stuff with the taste of, wel let's not give it a name, for nothing.

Where I actually ate a lot better was in Macedonia. Not that the hotel where we stayed had such a high profile kitchen, but on several occasions I had good meals. One of the places where I ate was near the main (tourist) street in Ohrid. Somewhere, semi hidden, was an entrance to a place, followed by a staircase which lead to a sober restaurant. The restaurant had two balconies, and on one of them I had my lunch, with a nice view on the main street (see picture) and on the background the most annoying sound of rattling magnets, sold by some idiot on the street who had to show the working of the stupid things every 10 seconds... But besides this moron it was a nice place to be and the food was quite ok as well.

And furthermore the weather was extremely good. Sunny almost every day, and high temperatures. Finally a holliday where the weather co-operates. In Netherlands at the same time the temperature reached the same tropical hight (as almost everywhere in europe). Not that it matters to me that at the moment I leave my home country the weather becomes great, not at all, as a matter of fact it always seems to go that way. And when I come back it will probably be the same drowsy weather as always. Well, again, I must not complain now... I'll do it later, hehe.

Well, as my bowels are trying to attract all my attention, this is it for now...

[Posted in: Ljubljana, Slovenia]

Eurotrotter

Long time ago since my last post, but meanwhile I have been in Slovenia, Serbia and Macedonia. First a couple of days in Ljubljana, then me and Lara went by train to Belgrade, and visited two days of the Exit Festival in Novi Sad. After those days we went for two days to Macedonia. We visited Skopje, Ohrid and Bitola. The weather was extremely good, with some less comfortable extremes (40 degrees C, and no wind). But mainly the combination of good weather, nice views, nice people and pretty good food made me have a good time.

At the moment I am back again in Belgrade. In a couple of days we will leave by train again to Ljubljana (Slovenia). So three more weeks or so before I am back in Utrecht.

This is it for now. Later I will write some experiences down here... this was just a sign of life, hehe.

[Posted in: Belgrade, Serbia]

Forgetfullness

I found this on the net. Nice poem from Billy Collins with an animation of Julian Grey.

Strange bird

Ever heard of a bird who can make noises like a photo camera or a chainsaw? Well neither did I... but they seem to exist. Oh, and don't be bored to soon, the strange noises will start after approximately 1 min. 50 sec.

Countdown...

Yeah... finally it's sure! My vacation plans are completed... It took a lot of organising and rearranging of the original plans, but it's sure now: Macedonia (FYROM) and Slovenia and a short stay in Serbia. So all in all I'l be gone for around 50 days... do I mind? ...well, let me think...NO! Of course not! But I really do think it's a pity that the interrail 'advenrure' didn't go on in the end, but I'm at least as glad with these plans as with the original one... even though I'm not visiting as many countries anymore, but then on the other hand there's someone who's really more than compensating for that. I really hear a lot of people around me talking about their hollidays, and it seems to cheer them up a lot on average. On the other hand they don't really feel like studying anymore, and I can asure you that the weather pays its contribution to that as well. And for me it works exactly the same. Two more weeks to go on university... two more weeks till this (academic) year is finished. But the weeks are worth it of course (I'm a knowlegde-absorbing sponge). And then... if there's someone who should NOT be complaining about it then it would me I guess, as I just started this studies three weeks ago :)

Yes... but I'm sooo looking forward to this vacation! I could go on for some longer without it... I'm not tired or so, I'm actualy quite energetic the last couple of months, but the fact that I'll see my love again really makes me live towards it. Two more weeks to. Time is ticking away, and after you, my dear reader, have read this post, another two minutes have passed by... another couple of minutes closer to my dearest...

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands ]

The Pretender

I made another astounding discovery!! It has all to do with the World Chamionship football in Germany.

Every now and then on the football field somebody gets hurt: a collision, elbow in the face, somebody pulled over, fist in the stomach or a knee in the balls... it all happens and it's nothing special to see. It's part of the sport, and it will always be. BUT... no matter how hard somebody gets hurt there's always one miraculous medicine... but i'm gonna keep it a secret for just a little longer.

Whenever somebody stumbles out of the field for medical attention, or whenever somebody gets carried away on a stretcher, they will be back in the game within a minute again: This all makes sense, because the team is weaker with one player less. And for this some very intelligent people in a hidden laboratory found THE sollution, it's time to reveal it to the world I think; They call it: 'The Wet Sponge'!! You don't believe me? Watch the matches... the first second, one is lying on the floor in agony outside the field, the second after that, The Wet Sponge is dropped on the face of this poor guy, and the third second... tadaaah!! He's ready to go again!! That's what I call a miracle... they should start selling it one TellSell! I think it will become the most succesfull product ever. And what's more... when The Wet Sponge is empty you can refill it!!! Isn't that amazing (Mike)?

Hmmm... enough sarcasm for today... I think i made my point.

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands ]

0909-0006

Do you know this show on television where you have to call and thenthere's a 'chance' (like 0,01%) that you'll come on television, and that you have to answer some stupid question... Well... I hate them. And I hate the show hosts even more... But then, how do I know this? Yeah... I watch it every now and then, shame on me. Alway they're trying to convince you that nobody is watching the show, coz it's in the middle of the night, "and everybody"is asleep". Yeah? So? Why are you broadcasting then? Is it me or am I the one who is stupid? So what they are actually saying is that from 16 million people in the Netherlands I'm the only one watching the show: Cool! My private show!

Confession 1: Yesterday I was watching it again in the middle of the night. Confession 2: I actually thought, well, what the heck, let's just give it a try, so I called the number. And believe it or not, even though I was the only person watching at that moment (according to the show host that is) I didn't get through... hmmm, how come? The only reason I can come up with is that their definition of 'nobody' is a little bit different. It probably means something like 'tens of thousends of other people'...

Yeah, so another mystery solved by detective Tim... and you know what, you're probably the only one who knows, because as everybody is working or sleeping or eating or whatever: How big would the chance be that anyone is using the internet now? You're probably the only one! ;)

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands ]

Summerrrrrrrr

Summer arrived... finally! And now I have to be at the lab from 9.00h till 17.00h during working days :(. But at least I took a on and a half hour break this afternoon. So my gostly-white skin became a little red-ish, haha, but luckily not sun-burned... even though I expect to be after this weekend. Yeah well, I hope that I'll have at least some tan at the end of the summer, otherwise nobody will see me again this winter (with my white camouflage-colour for snow).

But with the summer in town I really get the holliday feeling in my veins. Not that I didn't have that before (can't wait to go to Slovenia, but of course that's not only coz of the holliday feeling). The only thing is that my original vacation plans are not to be accomplished probably. My plan to visit Poland, Czech Republik, Slovakia, Hungary, Croatia and Bosnia, can be redirected to the trash can, as my liquidity doesn't allow me to go there. So now I'm trying to make a change of plans. I hope that very soon I'll be able to shed some light on my new plans.

Well... there's no sense in staying in here any longer, the sun is shining, and the temperatures are rising to 25˚C and above, so I'm gonna move my ass to the park, and get some more sunburned, hehe.

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands ]

A Box of Chocolates

I was just searching for something on the internet, and then I ran into this quote. It's a quote from the X-files. I was actually quite flabbergasted when I read it, and that's exactly the reason why I post it...

"Life... is like a box of chocolates - a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for, unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper."

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands ]

A Frame of Mind (3)

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands ]

Shiny happy people

Summer is getting near. And you can read it form peoples faces. The sun really changes people. Like the throw away their fur and frolic around, just like shaved sheep who are recently released.
But it’s really true. People are smiling and are complaisant. And it looks like everybody wants others to see that they are. They want to get rid of the grey mass were they used to belong to during the dark days. And that effects the people around them as well, it’s one big synergy.

But that same big amplification also seems to make people more senseless. The best example I can think of is traffic. If I have to count the number of situations where I was almost run over by a car, almost had collisions with other cyclist, or even the number of emergency stops the tram makes, and I would get a euro for every situation, I would be rich now. But even if the horns make their alarming and neck hair arising sounds, and the bicycles bells make their tempered tinkling noises, people stay friendly and are making as much gesticulating motions as possible to say that they are sorry. And then life goes on as before, like nothing happened.

And the sun does the same to me. I’m in a good mood. Not only the scalding thing high in the sky… but also my personal sunshine realizes this feeling inside me. I’m happy, I’m blissful, and I’m proud. Proud that human beings apparently know how to enjoy life.

Yes, let spring do its work, and let the summer intensify it even more…

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

For Nicole

As I got a request to post something in Dutch: Nicole, here it comes.

LEER ENGELS!!! =)

[Posted in: Ljubljana, Slovenia]

From Slovenia with Love

Just to let people know I'm still alive: a short post.

I moved my ass temporary to Slovenia. I arrived previous Saturday... and will leave next Tuesday again. For some reason the good things alway have an ending... but on the other hand... also the bad things come to an end. Not that it makes any difference for me; I mean, I really lived towards these days, and I'm really enjoying... but it's so fucked up. Leaving this country for me means leaving the person behind I really love. And if it makes any sense: I'm not leaving her behind in a way that she will be forgotten, I can asure everyone that the opposite will happen.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not being depressed or whatever, I'm actually really happy (and in love) now, and for sure when I'm back home and I'll look back at these days, a rush of adrenaline will pump through my venes and an immense smile will appear on my face again.

Well... I'll continue this story another time. It's better for me, coz I don't want it to get in my head too much for the remaining time I'm here.

So: will be continued... and hopefully love will be continued as well

[Posted in: Ljubljana, Slovenia]

A Special World

A Special World

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

- Sheelagh Lennon -

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

Bookreview: Ensaio sobre a Cegueira, José Saramago

Too long nothing from me. So starting over (again). I’m going to make this blog more alternating; more different subject and stuff. And to start with that: Here’s my first book review.

De stad de Blinden (Ensaio sobre a Cegueira), José Saramago

The book
I’ve read the Dutch version of ‘Ensaio sobre a Cegueira’ translated by Harrie Lemmens.

The book is actually quite accessible. In Lisbon all inhabitants gradually lose their eyesight. What first occurred to be an exception turns out to become a common thing.. But the inhabitants organize themselves be it in another way then before. With the loss of their visual capabilities, also their ethical restrictions seem to perish: with the loss of their eyesight, there is something that becomes visible: The true heart of mankind.

My comments
This book doesn’t really aim a spotlight on the positive side of mankind; it rather sheds some light on our fundamental ideas. Nevertheless it’s not a negative or pessimistic book. Also trust and love of one’s fellow man, charity, the power of a human being to survive even the most exceptional conditions and the remarkable inventiveness to save one and their beloved ones in difficult times, are to be found in this book. Although I personally think that the book ends quite abrupt, it does end with a positive annotation, in new self-confidence, when people get their eyesight back.

The authors style of writing
I've never read one of Saramago’s books before, so the first thing I noticed when I opened the book was his way of writing. Not that I think that Saramago is a complicated author. His style has some, I think typical, characteristics where you get used to in a couple of pages. The pages are completely filled with text; almost none white spaces are to be found. The dialogues and multilateral conversations are written in a successively way, and only commas and capitals notify you that another person is about to speak.
Furthermore I like the ironic way the author used to write down the story. He writes from a distance. For example: On a certain moment there has to be voted. The leader of the group of blind people asks everybody to raise their hands. As a reader you know immediately that this doesn’t make sense as everybody is blind. But Saramago explains these automatisms of the characters into detail. And that makes you, being the reader, to be ‘above’ the whole story. In this way you’re not being dragged along the story, but it makes you think about the consequences as they are presented: an expanding blindness which doesn’t respect anyone.

Score
Sores from 1 to 10 (1 = abhorring, 10 = excellent)

Content: 8
Style: 8½

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

Hidden thoughts

I haven't written anything for over a week. I can't say what it is. but it feels like I haven't anything to write about. No let's rephrase that one, I know what I want to write about, but I just can't find the way to write about it. Yeah, still there? Good... Well, it's not that I don't want t write, I've just got some kind of indeterminate feeling that I don't know how to express myself. And I really want to shout so much stuff to the world. So what's the suppressing thing? I haven't got a fucking clue... but I'm not going to get tempered. I''m as calm as can be, trying to find a solution; or better, trying to find the problem.

Nope... haven't found it yet...

What might have something to do with it it is the following. This morning when I got into the tram, I thought I got a heart-attack, as I saw somebody who looked sooooo much like a person I'm not prepared for to see, coz I don't even know if I want to see her at all. Now or ever. So I just walked by that person and didn't look back. But for sure it was like I got some high voltage shock or something.
Well, as I haven't thought about that person for a long long time (yes, on purpose I was trying to withhold the thought to appear, coz it only would make me feel totally miserable again), but now all day long she appearedon my mind, like in short flashes. I must say that it wasn't annoying at all. It was more like some voice in my head wass saying: "Hey! I'm still in here, please give me some attention, I've been put away for way to long right now." So the voice got my attention, but I'm not willing to spend a lot of energy on that subject, but deep inside me my subconsciousness is starting to spend time on it.

So after I finished working today, it started to distract me more and more, and it's getting in the way of other thoughts, which I think have first right to be taken care of and which are trying to fight their way out... Well, at the social meeting of AEGEE-Utrecht tonight the distraction was actually so big that I must have seemd 'absent' to some people (and Nicole, as I know that you'll be reading this anyway, sorry for that).
So now I'm in doubt... keep it in, or let it out...

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

Innocence

I just returned from a weekend in Hulsthorst at the Veluwe National Park. We stayed with around 20 people in some some kind of semi-luxury accomodation. It was a long time ago that I had such a big snowballfigh, my arm still hurts from the throwing :)

The last evening, till deep into the night, I did a 'game' with 5 other people: Think of a subject within a certain frame work, and extract a question - so something like: What's the thing in life you regret most. Or, what is the scariest thing you ever experienced. In the middle of the group there was a bottle which had to be turned around, an he person who the bottle pointed at, had to answer the question, no ways out, only probity. Even though you can never be sure that people are 100 percent honest, I can only asume that everyone was.

The aim of the game is to get to know things about people you never knew before. Of course the answers led to discussions and more disclosures. I don't kow what to say more about it, but the people who know me quite well, know that for me this game could also be seen as some kind of therapeutic session. And it worked. I didn't hesitate to answer, and at the moment the question was formulated, I already had an anwer ready.

It was such a relaxing feeling that I could say these things without a problem, that I regretted that I became to tired to go on with it, and I went to bed at 5.45h in the morning.

Okay, something else: Something happend to me, which had a huge impact on me. When I was riding my bike towards the train station to go to the Veluwe, a girl fom around 10 years old was riding her bike approximately 20 meters in front of me, when she slipped (it was icy on the road) and crashed on to the asphalt. Obviously she hurt herself, and I got off my bike to help her. The girl was crying and she looked so frightened. I helped her to get up and I started asking if she was okay, if she could still move her arms and legs, and I was just trying to set her at ease by talking to her. And why I was doing that, you could see in her eyes that she trusted me, and she completely calmed down. When I was sure everything was okay, I wrote down my name and telephonenumber on a piece of paper, so that her parents could contact me if they had any questions. Then the girl gave me a hug and got on to her bike a gain. She waved at me, I waved back, and then she disappearred around the corner of the street.

I still get the shivers if I see her grateful face in my thoughts. Isn't it fantastic, that a child can have this effect on you? Children are so innocent, it's heartwarming...

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

A Frame of Mind (2)

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

Blindness

Back from vacation... and I had a really really good time! The first two days of skiing were quite shit, as I was too cautious, while skiing down the slopes, but when the weather turned bad the fourth day (snow, snow and snow, visibility 20m and windspeeds over 100 km/h) I got 'it' back again, and I had no poblems anymore. I realy had fun with almost everyone. We were with 24 people, and I only knew about 8 of them, but that's absolutely no problem for me, as I like to meet and learn to know new people. So every night I was hanging around in another appartment, chatting with the girls, having fun, playing games and havin some quite interesting dialogues till my eyes couldn't bring up the streng to stay open anymore... and I really felt the need to go to bed.

I felt so relaxed over there. Being in the mountains (some things I REALLY miss in The Netherlands), being free as a bird, not having the feeling that I was committed to anyone or anythingand most of all, being able to avoid the grey mass of rigid, peevish dutch people.

But then: I return. I go back to work, and what are first things I notice? Right: the people I'm no longer able to avoid, the people who are staring into life as if they are blind, waiting for the moment to switch from the blindness for life to the eternal blindness. And while I was having this thought today, I realized that very often I'm actually seeing to much of the negative things in life. Or maybe it's better to say thatI don't always see all the positive things in life. I have to change that. I don't know how, as I don't know if it's possible to do that in a consious way, but I really have to chang that, before I become a colourless part of life.

I think I'm already going to end this post for today. I have thisthing, that if I start thinking about something, that I can't find the words anymore to say what I want to say, because I want to say it in a perfect, all illustrating way... and as I just started with the thinking-thing again, I really have to give that process priority.

Floating away

I haven't posted anything for a week now. I guess my inspiration vanished for a while. But last night I had a dream I want to write about. Actually it wasn't that special, coz nothing really happened, but as I normally never remember my dreams, and because it gave me a special compassion.. well, whatever, I'll write it down, and then you can judge.

I don't really remember the start of my dream, but the first thing I remember was that I see an old deteriorated house in the middle of a wheatfield. And as far as I can see, there are only wheatfields to be seen. There is a light breeze, as I can see the wheat cradling in the wind. The sun is burning. But there is absolute silence, not in a deafening way, but a serene naturl silence. The kind of silence you can 'hear' just before a thunderstorm breaks loose.

Well, suddenly I find myself on the porch of this house. I can see the remains of white and old-blue paint, peeling of the walls, and so revealing the old grey-brown wood of which the house is made of. The door seems to be locked, or at least for some reason I'm not able to open it. All the shutters are closed, so it's also impossible to have a look inside. The atmosphere is relaxed, but I'm alert as if I'm expecting something. Then, again very sudden (or I just can't remember what happened in between), I'm sitting in this big hanging cane rocking chair, still on the same porch, but now there's this girl sitting next to me. I recognize her from real life, but she looks more beautiful then ever, and she is smiling at me with the most sincere, enchanting, devine and honest smile I've ever seen. And immediately I've got a blissful feeling of love inside of me.

Then, I'm walking in a same type of field, surrounded by some trees. White blossom is whirling down from them. I'm alone again. In front of me there's an old overgrown road. I've never been there before, but I'm walking along it, and following it as if I know where it's leading to. The same amorous feeling is still inside me, and I feel completely free. No weight on my shoulders, no oppressive feelings: Only Luck, Freedom and Love. And then, out of the blue, I'm walking with the same girl, hand in hand, over this road.

I don't know if it ended like that, but it's the last thing I can remember. But for me it IS the end of that dream, coz it's one of the most beautiful feelings I've ever experienced. I truly hope, that I can feel this 'sensation' once. And if I do feel it once, the I know that my life will be in calm waters again.

Don't worry...

With a head which feels like it can explode any minute, and the intention to go to bed (a three-hour old intention actually), I'm still sitting here at my desk. The fact that from the upcoming saturday on, I'll be in France for 9 days (skiing) is the only thing I'm actually looking forward to at the moment.

Again, my mind feels like a mess... I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days. And with hinking I mean digging into all kinds of matters: I don't know what I want to say about it, coz I don't know if I'm ready to make conclusions out of my thinking-sessions already. Probably not.

There's so much on my mind, that I can't even know myself how many subjects are printed on my mind at the moment. And besides that, a lot of them are overlapping eachother as well. All weekend long my mind has been overactive... so I don't feel like I got any rest. And tomorrow I have to get back to work again. I already know that I will keep drifting away on my thoughts all day long, resulting in a quite non-productive day.

Sometimes you hear people use this disgusting phrase: 'Don't worry, be happy!'. How on EARTH could people say that!! I do understand the 'be happy' part, and I asume that most people want to be happy, but how can you say 'don't worry'!!! Worrying is part of life! Worries and happiness are indissoluble contected. If you want to be happy, there a has to be at least a grain of affection to someone or something. And if there's affection, if you like of love somebody for exaple, then there are automatically worries connected to it. I don't say that these worries should predominate the happiness, absolutely not, but they are always a part of the happiness, it makes the happiness exist.

Am I happy? I guess I am. So I do have worries and doubts on my mind. The big problem is that they are trying to dominate my life at the moment, and I as you could read before, the last couple of days it became clear that the negative energy has won this battle. It has won the battle with the possitive subjects my mind started to process. And to make things even more complicated, this nice girl appeared in my life as well. I'm not in love, as I haven't been in two years (although sometimes it came very close), but I really do like her. And I wouldn't be surprised if I get a butterfly explosion inside of me one of these days. I hope so... coz it would take a lot of doubts away.... I think

Rush

From door to door, it takes me almost an hour to get to my work (Bike, intercity-tram, bus, and some walking). And it's amazing how much you can see during that 60 minutes. Well, the first 10 minutes I'm freezing my ass of on my bike, and I'm only focused on the road, but especially the part in the tram is quite, well, let's say 'interesting'. Some people you see every day. And a lot of them have their own habbits: some of them always try to get the same seat every day, and some of them nearly miss the tram every day, because they have to smoke their cigarette at the platfom, and don't pay attention to the time.

People even recognize eachother. Some of the persons I see dayly give you this glance which says: 'I do recognize you... we're the same. We're going to do the same thing, like sheep in a hurdle'. Well, those glances are absolutely right, we ARE gregarious animals. We live in this grey mass... working our asses of and try to reach our goals, as far as we have them.

But to get back to the main subject: There's so much to see. People with the word 'boredom' stamped on to their forehead, or people who's eyes show the aversion towards another passenger who is telling her friend all the weekends juicy details on the phone. People who stare out of the window, not seeing what's happening outside, but only seeing what their thought let them see. Sometimes I wish I could read minds.

And then, after you've arrived at your work, settled behind your desk, evrybody around you is happy again, and doing his job, or getting some coffee for the other collegues with a big smile on their face. And you just know that at least a part of it is one big façade... and that, when they're travelling home, together with the rest of the hurdle of commuters, they will behave the same like the people I saw that morning. Dreaming of the good times that have passed, and dreaming of all that still may come... just like me.

A Frame of Mind

Age

This sunday it happens... it took me a quarter of a century to get there. Yes: I'm gonna be 25 years old... OMG!!! I'm gonna be OLD! Help!But on the other side... you're as old as you feel yourself. At least, that's what they say. Well, I hope it's true... coz I definitely don't feel 25. I feel younger, but the more I think of the fact that I'm turning 25, the more I feel myself 25. But, there's also a good thing about getting older, at least in my case. First of all, I'm getting somewhere in my life: Look at this, I'm sharing stuff with people I don't even know! That would have been seen as an impossibility, if I would have done that 2 years ago. But I'm also getting wiser... the older people get, the more knowledge of life they get. Not that that's always a positive thing, but at least you can implement it in the future (yes, even 25-year-olds have a future)...Okay, I'll stop grumbling, as I'm not getting anywhere with it. I'll just have to accept it... there's no other option (well there is, but that's not an option as well)/ I'll just have my birthday this sunday, and forget about it as soon as possible. My life-trend is increasing, and that's not going to be ruined by a stupid birthday. That's for sure.

Enemy at the Gates

It’s been a couple of days ago since I’ve written something… started a new job. The night before my first working day I slept 4 hours, and the night before my second working day I slept 2 hours, because I went out that night… So I’ve been sleeping and working basically :).

Last Thursday I was talking to someone, and she told me that she thought it was too obvious that during our conversation I clearly ‘shut down’ some subjects. She said that I have this wall around me with some locked gates in it, and that I only open the gates if I want people to enter…

I was astonished…not because of the fact that she saw this (coz I really work like that, and most people know I work like that), but because she found it out in such a short period of time! And above all: That she used the same metaphors as I use to explain myself to others.
The thing she didn’t mention was that she worked exactly the same way, and I think that everybody works that way. The only difference is that some people open all their gates after one ‘request’ and others might open only some of them if you’ve earned their trust.
Myself I prefer people to work like me, or work in an even more complicated way. If people open themselves too fast, there might be nothing they need to protect, need to hide, or need to cherish. And if that’s the case, well, they are not interesting for me, no matter how arrogant that may sound to you.

Very often I meet people who come into my range of interest. My mind makes some selection (I haven’t found out how that procedure works), and after that very strict selection, some people are left. And then the hard part starts… It’s all about gaining trust, and that can take some while. This is of course no problem, as long as there is al least some progression all the time. If people go to fast, no gates will open, if people go to slow, they don’t even reach any gate. There are also people who don’t even see an open gate. And then there are the people who I really don’t get, and that are the people who are starting to get somewhere, and then completely fuck it up by one action or another. If you want to get somewhere after fucking up, well, you might work at least double as hard as before, and if that’s too much for you, then you’re not worth it anyway.

And don’t pretend to know me after reading this :D, as you’re no further in getting to know me before you read this. And want to know why I wrote this down? That’s a good question, as I haven’t got a clue myself… at least it’s another piece of text in my blog, so it serves a goal after all…

Anger/ Helplessness

Sometimes I can intensely hate the world we live in. Today was a day which ended with that feeling. I felt soooo fucked up.
U was just getting into this period in which I felt nice and comfortable again. Everything was just getting into the right place again: New job, new studies, new friends. And al of a sudden, out of nothing, there's this stunning slap in the face. It doesn't matter what happened exactly, and I'm not going to tell anyway, but life can be so damned picky.
I had a couple of misfortunes the last couple of months, some of them where as big as big can get, but sometimes I was prepared for them to happen, and sometimes I could find my way through the labyrinth 'life' again quite easily. But now I have to to do some effort again to get to this sparkle of colour I can see in the distance. I know I can, an the way to get there will probably be quite easy again, but the fact that, again, this grey clouds are hanging above me, makes me feel tired...

Exploring

Today I was reading some travel brochures, and searching the internet for cheap flights to anywhere in Europe. I'm looking for ways to travel through Europe. Exploring Europe is like breathing for me... I just have to do it. So far I've visited 17 countries (including Netherlands) (here you can see which ones). It's not that it's the number of countries that counts, of course not. I mean, so far I've been to Spain three times, and I only visited Barcelona, Zaragoza, and some cities and villages in La Rioja and País Vasco, and that is of course not enough... actually I've seen only this minimal part of that country. So for me, there are almost no reasons not to go back to a country again. Even if you didn't like a place that much, then there's much more to explore.
Amongst my (also well travelled) friends, sometimes is quite fun to talk big, and tell them that I've visited so 'many' countries. But compared to the surface of Europe, I've only seen such a small part! It's actually quite unbelievable, now I come to think of it.
But the fucking problem is (as always) the money. It's just impossible to go somewhere whenever I want to go. And then I have to save extra money for my second studies, which are starting in May.
Well, I'll just keep searching for cheap ways to travel... and when I close my eyes I can let my mind jump to some nice place... yes, I'm travelling at last...

Maxim (Colour)

When people are disheartened, depondent, when they are a little depressed, or anything like that, I tend to say to them that life is colourful, and that they should see life as black and white. Of course that's interpretable in different ways, but for that reason this motto is useful in almost every condition. Life can seem gray, or black and white. But I believe that there's always a little bit of colour to find. And if you can find that little piece of colour (a friend, a thought), then you've found the place, the core, from where you can start giving the rest of your life colour, or from where you can find out, that life actually always is coloured.
You don't here me say that you have to see life as 100% coloured, but as long as you can at least see a little bit of it, then you've got something to hold on to.

This maxim of mine actually arose from a childrens poem. It's dutch, but I'll try to translate it as good as possible.

Als je goed om je heen kijkt
Zie je dat alles geleurd is
Dus zie het leven niet zwart-wit
Weet dat overal kleur in zit
(Door K. Schippers)

If you take a good look around
You'll see that everything is coloured
So don't see life as black and white
Know that everything contains colour
(Translated from K. Schippers)

Well, my english translations sucks, as it sounds much better in dutch, but in the end it contains the same message.

Serenity

Oh my god... I had such a relaxed day today. I don't know what came over me. I was actually quite busy with all kinds of stuff, but I just felt so relaxed... haven't felt in such a way for a long time. It's like some butterflies are flying inside of me, like I'm in love... except I'm not.
It feels like I'm high on tranquility. Like a bomb of happiness exploded inside of me... if that's the case, well start bombing my soul, coz it feels addictive.
Being a cooking-freak, I can almost get this same feeling while being in the kitchen. Experimenting with differents tastes, combining them in unconventional ways, and being busy with that for hours in a row... it just gives me this divine, blissful feeling of pure passion and delight... I just don't know how to describe it. I guess that you have to know, have to understand, what I'm talking about, to understand what kind of feeling I'm trying to express. Maybe the feeling of being in love does come closest.
Well, maybe I should fall in love again, so I can carry this feeling with me 24/7.

New Year

I just walked into the new year (a couple of days ago actually), along with the rest of the world.

Normally I tend to speak in a negative way about those huge festivities, but I think New Years Eve is something special to me. Not because of the change of year, and not because of the champaign or the other stuff around it. And especially not becauze of the good intentions... But for some reason at new years eve everybody gets into this special mood which spreads across the world. And it looks genuine, not like the fake intimacy with Christmas, which I wrote about in my previous post.

This year my new years eve party was a special one again. Together with some others I organized a New Years Event, and 18 people from all over Europe came to Utrecht, to celebrate with us (read more about it in my AEGEE-Blog). I really had such a good time. As so often I just can't find the words to express my feeling about it, but I really enjoyed it. Together with the participants, the organizers, the other AEGEE-Utrecht members and with this global 'positive-energy-vibe' my new years eve was almost perfect.

I never have good intentions because of some occurrence, I just have them or I don't. The same for wishes people good things: I don't wish it coz of the new year for example, but I wish it coz I mean it. For that reason I never send Christmascards or birthdaycards. So what I'm going to write now, is not because of 2006, but just because other people's new-years-wishes make made me think of it again...

Dear family, friends, acquituaintances and you, dear reader of my blog:

I wish you the life you want to live it, and never get lost in this maze we call life. I hope you'll recieve the warmth and love from the people around you, and that you'll give them back some of yours. I wish you to always stay yourself, and let others be themselves. And last but not least, I hope you'l have the abilities and luck on your way, to live this way year after year after year... for the rest of your life.

New Years Event

Yes, today it finished... the New Years Event of AEGEE-Utrecht I organized together with three others. The NYE was quite a good event, for as far one can say that about something he organized himself. The participants (from Germany, England, Spain, Italy, Czech Republic, Croatia, Poland, Turkey and Romania) haven't all left yet, as most of them will leave during this day. Just a couple of minutes ago I said goodbye to Katrin from Köln. A really nice gil with I surely am going to visit within a couple of months. Other cool people, like Stefanie and Flo are leaving tomorrow... I really need to start making a list of persons I still have to visit (right now it's Köln, Stuttgart, Bologna and Istanbul... and for sure I'm missing some more...) That's really a great thing about AEGEE: Meeting people from all over Europe, and then staying in contact with them and trying to see them again. And I, as a complete Europe-addict, am always looking forward to meet people again, especially when I like them. And so far at least the visits were always very succesfull. But to get back: The NYE was quite a succes. I kicked some people into the 7 degrees cold North Sea during the New Years Dive in Scheveningen (actually I was intending to dive as well, but in the end I cowardly retreated... So to compensate my cowardness, I REALLY have to dive next year if I'm not abroad). Besides that we also visited Amsterdam. That was a nice day as well, only a pitty that we couldn't travel back anymore to Utrecht, because of the weather alert. I'm still very glad that the municipality of Amsterdam arranged some shelter for the travellers who were stuck. The nice thing about finding out at 04.00h that you can't travel back, is that in this way the participants will not forget their visit to Amsterdam very fast anymore. Well, it was a another great experience for me in the end, to celebrate (for the second time) New Year with a bunch of European students. It was so great. And in this way I really want to thank the participants again for coming to Utrecht.