Don't worry...

With a head which feels like it can explode any minute, and the intention to go to bed (a three-hour old intention actually), I'm still sitting here at my desk. The fact that from the upcoming saturday on, I'll be in France for 9 days (skiing) is the only thing I'm actually looking forward to at the moment.

Again, my mind feels like a mess... I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days. And with hinking I mean digging into all kinds of matters: I don't know what I want to say about it, coz I don't know if I'm ready to make conclusions out of my thinking-sessions already. Probably not.

There's so much on my mind, that I can't even know myself how many subjects are printed on my mind at the moment. And besides that, a lot of them are overlapping eachother as well. All weekend long my mind has been overactive... so I don't feel like I got any rest. And tomorrow I have to get back to work again. I already know that I will keep drifting away on my thoughts all day long, resulting in a quite non-productive day.

Sometimes you hear people use this disgusting phrase: 'Don't worry, be happy!'. How on EARTH could people say that!! I do understand the 'be happy' part, and I asume that most people want to be happy, but how can you say 'don't worry'!!! Worrying is part of life! Worries and happiness are indissoluble contected. If you want to be happy, there a has to be at least a grain of affection to someone or something. And if there's affection, if you like of love somebody for exaple, then there are automatically worries connected to it. I don't say that these worries should predominate the happiness, absolutely not, but they are always a part of the happiness, it makes the happiness exist.

Am I happy? I guess I am. So I do have worries and doubts on my mind. The big problem is that they are trying to dominate my life at the moment, and I as you could read before, the last couple of days it became clear that the negative energy has won this battle. It has won the battle with the possitive subjects my mind started to process. And to make things even more complicated, this nice girl appeared in my life as well. I'm not in love, as I haven't been in two years (although sometimes it came very close), but I really do like her. And I wouldn't be surprised if I get a butterfly explosion inside of me one of these days. I hope so... coz it would take a lot of doubts away.... I think

Rush

From door to door, it takes me almost an hour to get to my work (Bike, intercity-tram, bus, and some walking). And it's amazing how much you can see during that 60 minutes. Well, the first 10 minutes I'm freezing my ass of on my bike, and I'm only focused on the road, but especially the part in the tram is quite, well, let's say 'interesting'. Some people you see every day. And a lot of them have their own habbits: some of them always try to get the same seat every day, and some of them nearly miss the tram every day, because they have to smoke their cigarette at the platfom, and don't pay attention to the time.

People even recognize eachother. Some of the persons I see dayly give you this glance which says: 'I do recognize you... we're the same. We're going to do the same thing, like sheep in a hurdle'. Well, those glances are absolutely right, we ARE gregarious animals. We live in this grey mass... working our asses of and try to reach our goals, as far as we have them.

But to get back to the main subject: There's so much to see. People with the word 'boredom' stamped on to their forehead, or people who's eyes show the aversion towards another passenger who is telling her friend all the weekends juicy details on the phone. People who stare out of the window, not seeing what's happening outside, but only seeing what their thought let them see. Sometimes I wish I could read minds.

And then, after you've arrived at your work, settled behind your desk, evrybody around you is happy again, and doing his job, or getting some coffee for the other collegues with a big smile on their face. And you just know that at least a part of it is one big façade... and that, when they're travelling home, together with the rest of the hurdle of commuters, they will behave the same like the people I saw that morning. Dreaming of the good times that have passed, and dreaming of all that still may come... just like me.

A Frame of Mind

Age

This sunday it happens... it took me a quarter of a century to get there. Yes: I'm gonna be 25 years old... OMG!!! I'm gonna be OLD! Help!But on the other side... you're as old as you feel yourself. At least, that's what they say. Well, I hope it's true... coz I definitely don't feel 25. I feel younger, but the more I think of the fact that I'm turning 25, the more I feel myself 25. But, there's also a good thing about getting older, at least in my case. First of all, I'm getting somewhere in my life: Look at this, I'm sharing stuff with people I don't even know! That would have been seen as an impossibility, if I would have done that 2 years ago. But I'm also getting wiser... the older people get, the more knowledge of life they get. Not that that's always a positive thing, but at least you can implement it in the future (yes, even 25-year-olds have a future)...Okay, I'll stop grumbling, as I'm not getting anywhere with it. I'll just have to accept it... there's no other option (well there is, but that's not an option as well)/ I'll just have my birthday this sunday, and forget about it as soon as possible. My life-trend is increasing, and that's not going to be ruined by a stupid birthday. That's for sure.

Enemy at the Gates

It’s been a couple of days ago since I’ve written something… started a new job. The night before my first working day I slept 4 hours, and the night before my second working day I slept 2 hours, because I went out that night… So I’ve been sleeping and working basically :).

Last Thursday I was talking to someone, and she told me that she thought it was too obvious that during our conversation I clearly ‘shut down’ some subjects. She said that I have this wall around me with some locked gates in it, and that I only open the gates if I want people to enter…

I was astonished…not because of the fact that she saw this (coz I really work like that, and most people know I work like that), but because she found it out in such a short period of time! And above all: That she used the same metaphors as I use to explain myself to others.
The thing she didn’t mention was that she worked exactly the same way, and I think that everybody works that way. The only difference is that some people open all their gates after one ‘request’ and others might open only some of them if you’ve earned their trust.
Myself I prefer people to work like me, or work in an even more complicated way. If people open themselves too fast, there might be nothing they need to protect, need to hide, or need to cherish. And if that’s the case, well, they are not interesting for me, no matter how arrogant that may sound to you.

Very often I meet people who come into my range of interest. My mind makes some selection (I haven’t found out how that procedure works), and after that very strict selection, some people are left. And then the hard part starts… It’s all about gaining trust, and that can take some while. This is of course no problem, as long as there is al least some progression all the time. If people go to fast, no gates will open, if people go to slow, they don’t even reach any gate. There are also people who don’t even see an open gate. And then there are the people who I really don’t get, and that are the people who are starting to get somewhere, and then completely fuck it up by one action or another. If you want to get somewhere after fucking up, well, you might work at least double as hard as before, and if that’s too much for you, then you’re not worth it anyway.

And don’t pretend to know me after reading this :D, as you’re no further in getting to know me before you read this. And want to know why I wrote this down? That’s a good question, as I haven’t got a clue myself… at least it’s another piece of text in my blog, so it serves a goal after all…

Anger/ Helplessness

Sometimes I can intensely hate the world we live in. Today was a day which ended with that feeling. I felt soooo fucked up.
U was just getting into this period in which I felt nice and comfortable again. Everything was just getting into the right place again: New job, new studies, new friends. And al of a sudden, out of nothing, there's this stunning slap in the face. It doesn't matter what happened exactly, and I'm not going to tell anyway, but life can be so damned picky.
I had a couple of misfortunes the last couple of months, some of them where as big as big can get, but sometimes I was prepared for them to happen, and sometimes I could find my way through the labyrinth 'life' again quite easily. But now I have to to do some effort again to get to this sparkle of colour I can see in the distance. I know I can, an the way to get there will probably be quite easy again, but the fact that, again, this grey clouds are hanging above me, makes me feel tired...

Exploring

Today I was reading some travel brochures, and searching the internet for cheap flights to anywhere in Europe. I'm looking for ways to travel through Europe. Exploring Europe is like breathing for me... I just have to do it. So far I've visited 17 countries (including Netherlands) (here you can see which ones). It's not that it's the number of countries that counts, of course not. I mean, so far I've been to Spain three times, and I only visited Barcelona, Zaragoza, and some cities and villages in La Rioja and País Vasco, and that is of course not enough... actually I've seen only this minimal part of that country. So for me, there are almost no reasons not to go back to a country again. Even if you didn't like a place that much, then there's much more to explore.
Amongst my (also well travelled) friends, sometimes is quite fun to talk big, and tell them that I've visited so 'many' countries. But compared to the surface of Europe, I've only seen such a small part! It's actually quite unbelievable, now I come to think of it.
But the fucking problem is (as always) the money. It's just impossible to go somewhere whenever I want to go. And then I have to save extra money for my second studies, which are starting in May.
Well, I'll just keep searching for cheap ways to travel... and when I close my eyes I can let my mind jump to some nice place... yes, I'm travelling at last...

Maxim (Colour)

When people are disheartened, depondent, when they are a little depressed, or anything like that, I tend to say to them that life is colourful, and that they should see life as black and white. Of course that's interpretable in different ways, but for that reason this motto is useful in almost every condition. Life can seem gray, or black and white. But I believe that there's always a little bit of colour to find. And if you can find that little piece of colour (a friend, a thought), then you've found the place, the core, from where you can start giving the rest of your life colour, or from where you can find out, that life actually always is coloured.
You don't here me say that you have to see life as 100% coloured, but as long as you can at least see a little bit of it, then you've got something to hold on to.

This maxim of mine actually arose from a childrens poem. It's dutch, but I'll try to translate it as good as possible.

Als je goed om je heen kijkt
Zie je dat alles geleurd is
Dus zie het leven niet zwart-wit
Weet dat overal kleur in zit
(Door K. Schippers)

If you take a good look around
You'll see that everything is coloured
So don't see life as black and white
Know that everything contains colour
(Translated from K. Schippers)

Well, my english translations sucks, as it sounds much better in dutch, but in the end it contains the same message.

Serenity

Oh my god... I had such a relaxed day today. I don't know what came over me. I was actually quite busy with all kinds of stuff, but I just felt so relaxed... haven't felt in such a way for a long time. It's like some butterflies are flying inside of me, like I'm in love... except I'm not.
It feels like I'm high on tranquility. Like a bomb of happiness exploded inside of me... if that's the case, well start bombing my soul, coz it feels addictive.
Being a cooking-freak, I can almost get this same feeling while being in the kitchen. Experimenting with differents tastes, combining them in unconventional ways, and being busy with that for hours in a row... it just gives me this divine, blissful feeling of pure passion and delight... I just don't know how to describe it. I guess that you have to know, have to understand, what I'm talking about, to understand what kind of feeling I'm trying to express. Maybe the feeling of being in love does come closest.
Well, maybe I should fall in love again, so I can carry this feeling with me 24/7.

New Year

I just walked into the new year (a couple of days ago actually), along with the rest of the world.

Normally I tend to speak in a negative way about those huge festivities, but I think New Years Eve is something special to me. Not because of the change of year, and not because of the champaign or the other stuff around it. And especially not becauze of the good intentions... But for some reason at new years eve everybody gets into this special mood which spreads across the world. And it looks genuine, not like the fake intimacy with Christmas, which I wrote about in my previous post.

This year my new years eve party was a special one again. Together with some others I organized a New Years Event, and 18 people from all over Europe came to Utrecht, to celebrate with us (read more about it in my AEGEE-Blog). I really had such a good time. As so often I just can't find the words to express my feeling about it, but I really enjoyed it. Together with the participants, the organizers, the other AEGEE-Utrecht members and with this global 'positive-energy-vibe' my new years eve was almost perfect.

I never have good intentions because of some occurrence, I just have them or I don't. The same for wishes people good things: I don't wish it coz of the new year for example, but I wish it coz I mean it. For that reason I never send Christmascards or birthdaycards. So what I'm going to write now, is not because of 2006, but just because other people's new-years-wishes make made me think of it again...

Dear family, friends, acquituaintances and you, dear reader of my blog:

I wish you the life you want to live it, and never get lost in this maze we call life. I hope you'll recieve the warmth and love from the people around you, and that you'll give them back some of yours. I wish you to always stay yourself, and let others be themselves. And last but not least, I hope you'l have the abilities and luck on your way, to live this way year after year after year... for the rest of your life.

New Years Event

Yes, today it finished... the New Years Event of AEGEE-Utrecht I organized together with three others. The NYE was quite a good event, for as far one can say that about something he organized himself. The participants (from Germany, England, Spain, Italy, Czech Republic, Croatia, Poland, Turkey and Romania) haven't all left yet, as most of them will leave during this day. Just a couple of minutes ago I said goodbye to Katrin from Köln. A really nice gil with I surely am going to visit within a couple of months. Other cool people, like Stefanie and Flo are leaving tomorrow... I really need to start making a list of persons I still have to visit (right now it's Köln, Stuttgart, Bologna and Istanbul... and for sure I'm missing some more...) That's really a great thing about AEGEE: Meeting people from all over Europe, and then staying in contact with them and trying to see them again. And I, as a complete Europe-addict, am always looking forward to meet people again, especially when I like them. And so far at least the visits were always very succesfull. But to get back: The NYE was quite a succes. I kicked some people into the 7 degrees cold North Sea during the New Years Dive in Scheveningen (actually I was intending to dive as well, but in the end I cowardly retreated... So to compensate my cowardness, I REALLY have to dive next year if I'm not abroad). Besides that we also visited Amsterdam. That was a nice day as well, only a pitty that we couldn't travel back anymore to Utrecht, because of the weather alert. I'm still very glad that the municipality of Amsterdam arranged some shelter for the travellers who were stuck. The nice thing about finding out at 04.00h that you can't travel back, is that in this way the participants will not forget their visit to Amsterdam very fast anymore. Well, it was a another great experience for me in the end, to celebrate (for the second time) New Year with a bunch of European students. It was so great. And in this way I really want to thank the participants again for coming to Utrecht.