A Frame of Mind (2)

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

Blindness

Back from vacation... and I had a really really good time! The first two days of skiing were quite shit, as I was too cautious, while skiing down the slopes, but when the weather turned bad the fourth day (snow, snow and snow, visibility 20m and windspeeds over 100 km/h) I got 'it' back again, and I had no poblems anymore. I realy had fun with almost everyone. We were with 24 people, and I only knew about 8 of them, but that's absolutely no problem for me, as I like to meet and learn to know new people. So every night I was hanging around in another appartment, chatting with the girls, having fun, playing games and havin some quite interesting dialogues till my eyes couldn't bring up the streng to stay open anymore... and I really felt the need to go to bed.

I felt so relaxed over there. Being in the mountains (some things I REALLY miss in The Netherlands), being free as a bird, not having the feeling that I was committed to anyone or anythingand most of all, being able to avoid the grey mass of rigid, peevish dutch people.

But then: I return. I go back to work, and what are first things I notice? Right: the people I'm no longer able to avoid, the people who are staring into life as if they are blind, waiting for the moment to switch from the blindness for life to the eternal blindness. And while I was having this thought today, I realized that very often I'm actually seeing to much of the negative things in life. Or maybe it's better to say thatI don't always see all the positive things in life. I have to change that. I don't know how, as I don't know if it's possible to do that in a consious way, but I really have to chang that, before I become a colourless part of life.

I think I'm already going to end this post for today. I have thisthing, that if I start thinking about something, that I can't find the words anymore to say what I want to say, because I want to say it in a perfect, all illustrating way... and as I just started with the thinking-thing again, I really have to give that process priority.

Floating away

I haven't posted anything for a week now. I guess my inspiration vanished for a while. But last night I had a dream I want to write about. Actually it wasn't that special, coz nothing really happened, but as I normally never remember my dreams, and because it gave me a special compassion.. well, whatever, I'll write it down, and then you can judge.

I don't really remember the start of my dream, but the first thing I remember was that I see an old deteriorated house in the middle of a wheatfield. And as far as I can see, there are only wheatfields to be seen. There is a light breeze, as I can see the wheat cradling in the wind. The sun is burning. But there is absolute silence, not in a deafening way, but a serene naturl silence. The kind of silence you can 'hear' just before a thunderstorm breaks loose.

Well, suddenly I find myself on the porch of this house. I can see the remains of white and old-blue paint, peeling of the walls, and so revealing the old grey-brown wood of which the house is made of. The door seems to be locked, or at least for some reason I'm not able to open it. All the shutters are closed, so it's also impossible to have a look inside. The atmosphere is relaxed, but I'm alert as if I'm expecting something. Then, again very sudden (or I just can't remember what happened in between), I'm sitting in this big hanging cane rocking chair, still on the same porch, but now there's this girl sitting next to me. I recognize her from real life, but she looks more beautiful then ever, and she is smiling at me with the most sincere, enchanting, devine and honest smile I've ever seen. And immediately I've got a blissful feeling of love inside of me.

Then, I'm walking in a same type of field, surrounded by some trees. White blossom is whirling down from them. I'm alone again. In front of me there's an old overgrown road. I've never been there before, but I'm walking along it, and following it as if I know where it's leading to. The same amorous feeling is still inside me, and I feel completely free. No weight on my shoulders, no oppressive feelings: Only Luck, Freedom and Love. And then, out of the blue, I'm walking with the same girl, hand in hand, over this road.

I don't know if it ended like that, but it's the last thing I can remember. But for me it IS the end of that dream, coz it's one of the most beautiful feelings I've ever experienced. I truly hope, that I can feel this 'sensation' once. And if I do feel it once, the I know that my life will be in calm waters again.