Hidden thoughts

I haven't written anything for over a week. I can't say what it is. but it feels like I haven't anything to write about. No let's rephrase that one, I know what I want to write about, but I just can't find the way to write about it. Yeah, still there? Good... Well, it's not that I don't want t write, I've just got some kind of indeterminate feeling that I don't know how to express myself. And I really want to shout so much stuff to the world. So what's the suppressing thing? I haven't got a fucking clue... but I'm not going to get tempered. I''m as calm as can be, trying to find a solution; or better, trying to find the problem.

Nope... haven't found it yet...

What might have something to do with it it is the following. This morning when I got into the tram, I thought I got a heart-attack, as I saw somebody who looked sooooo much like a person I'm not prepared for to see, coz I don't even know if I want to see her at all. Now or ever. So I just walked by that person and didn't look back. But for sure it was like I got some high voltage shock or something.
Well, as I haven't thought about that person for a long long time (yes, on purpose I was trying to withhold the thought to appear, coz it only would make me feel totally miserable again), but now all day long she appearedon my mind, like in short flashes. I must say that it wasn't annoying at all. It was more like some voice in my head wass saying: "Hey! I'm still in here, please give me some attention, I've been put away for way to long right now." So the voice got my attention, but I'm not willing to spend a lot of energy on that subject, but deep inside me my subconsciousness is starting to spend time on it.

So after I finished working today, it started to distract me more and more, and it's getting in the way of other thoughts, which I think have first right to be taken care of and which are trying to fight their way out... Well, at the social meeting of AEGEE-Utrecht tonight the distraction was actually so big that I must have seemd 'absent' to some people (and Nicole, as I know that you'll be reading this anyway, sorry for that).
So now I'm in doubt... keep it in, or let it out...

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]

Innocence

I just returned from a weekend in Hulsthorst at the Veluwe National Park. We stayed with around 20 people in some some kind of semi-luxury accomodation. It was a long time ago that I had such a big snowballfigh, my arm still hurts from the throwing :)

The last evening, till deep into the night, I did a 'game' with 5 other people: Think of a subject within a certain frame work, and extract a question - so something like: What's the thing in life you regret most. Or, what is the scariest thing you ever experienced. In the middle of the group there was a bottle which had to be turned around, an he person who the bottle pointed at, had to answer the question, no ways out, only probity. Even though you can never be sure that people are 100 percent honest, I can only asume that everyone was.

The aim of the game is to get to know things about people you never knew before. Of course the answers led to discussions and more disclosures. I don't kow what to say more about it, but the people who know me quite well, know that for me this game could also be seen as some kind of therapeutic session. And it worked. I didn't hesitate to answer, and at the moment the question was formulated, I already had an anwer ready.

It was such a relaxing feeling that I could say these things without a problem, that I regretted that I became to tired to go on with it, and I went to bed at 5.45h in the morning.

Okay, something else: Something happend to me, which had a huge impact on me. When I was riding my bike towards the train station to go to the Veluwe, a girl fom around 10 years old was riding her bike approximately 20 meters in front of me, when she slipped (it was icy on the road) and crashed on to the asphalt. Obviously she hurt herself, and I got off my bike to help her. The girl was crying and she looked so frightened. I helped her to get up and I started asking if she was okay, if she could still move her arms and legs, and I was just trying to set her at ease by talking to her. And why I was doing that, you could see in her eyes that she trusted me, and she completely calmed down. When I was sure everything was okay, I wrote down my name and telephonenumber on a piece of paper, so that her parents could contact me if they had any questions. Then the girl gave me a hug and got on to her bike a gain. She waved at me, I waved back, and then she disappearred around the corner of the street.

I still get the shivers if I see her grateful face in my thoughts. Isn't it fantastic, that a child can have this effect on you? Children are so innocent, it's heartwarming...

[Posted in: Utrecht, Netherlands]